Bridezilla’s Attack

September 11, 2008

Why the long face?

Oh, happy day!

So, I finally broke down and watched an episode of the WE (Women’s Entertainment) TV network’s Bridezillas the other day.

I don’t know why I had avoided it for so long. Maybe it was because there are so many wedding shows out now to choose from (Say Yes to the Dress; Rock the Reception; Rich Bride, Poor Bride; etc.). Maybe it was because I always had something better to do (or watch) at 9 o’clock on a Sunday night. Or, more likely, it was because I suspected that Bridezillas would be the bridal version of The Jerry Springer Show.

My suspicions were confirmed about 30 seconds into the episode (and how!).

One lovely bride-to-be stood in front of her bridesmaids (bless their souls) screaming about how they were to look on the wedding day: hair up with cascading curls, French manicures, and girdles to “suck in [their] fat stomachs (!).” Next came the kicker. She told the dismayed posse that if they didn’t have “anything up front” they’d have to stuff their bras, and then—wait for it—she proceeded to point at each one and announce whether or not she needed to stuff. Not surprisingly, the 16-year-old of the group qualified.

I sat on my couch with my mouth agape, utterly horrified by what I had just witnessed. Oh no she didn’t! (I was just waiting for the chants to begin: “Jer-ry! Jer-ry!) In another scene a different bride stood outside of the wedding venue screaming at her guests to get their “asses inside” because she was “ready to walk.” It wasn’t just the words that were coming out of her mouth that made the scene work—the rage in her twisted face and the fist full of flowers that she pumped in the air completely added to it.

I was appalled and enthralled at the same time–you know, the “can’t help but rubberneck when passing an accident” thing. (And that’s the point of the show, I suppose.) What I really didn’t get was how the show finds people to volunteer to appear on TV and show the world that they are bridezillas (meaning divas, control freaks, weirdos, or just plain jerks). Why on earth would someone want to share that with millions of people? Other than the fact that divas, control freaks, weirdos, and jerks might have warped ways of thinking (which is quite possible), the only other motivator I can think of is money. But, I mean, how much could the show pay for these trashy scenes?

And why would you want to make your husband, your family, and your best friends miserable on what is supposed to be one of the most joyous occasions in life?

Anyhoo, I checked out the network’s website and there is a whole page dedicated to Bridezillas. You can watch video snippets of bridezilla-like behavior, play a bridal hurdles game (in which you must steer your bride to the altar while avoiding obstacles such as grumpy bridesmaids and unpredictable weather), create your own bridezilla (with your face on its body and a recorded message you can send to friends and family), and you can even take a quiz to see if you qualify as a bridezilla. Here’s an excerpt:

1. Someone objects to your marriage right before the “I dos”. You:
a. Leap from the pulpit, rush down the aisle and tackle the offender (3).
b. Stomp your foot and yell “Shut the h— up!” (2).
c. Cry (1).

2. You have 5 pounds left to lose before the big day. You:
a. Ambush the hottest diet guru and fly them to your home for a little one-on-one (3).
b. Cut down on carbs (1).
c. Try a liquid fast (2).

3. The bridal salon calls you:
a. By your first name (1).
b. “That girl with the issues” (2).
c. The Terminator (3).

4. Your gown is:
a. Your mothers (1).
b. French couture (2).
c. Stolen from a Renaissance museum in Italy (3).

5. Officiating at your ceremony is:
a. Your local clergyman (1).
b. The Mayor of the city (2).
c. The Pope (3).

Hee-hee. You get the picture…

Do you have a good bridezilla story, have you had a bridezilla moment, or are you a full-fledged bridezilla and proud of it? Share your story!

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